“You deserve better than I” He said
“Do I?” She wasn’t quite understanding where this conversation was leading them too. All she wanted to do was for him to put his foot down otherwise they would be late for the restaurant. Today was their first wedding anniversary and they were determined to celebrate. But little did either of them realize that the next few seconds would prove to be the last they would ever spend together.
I was light headed and felt a sense of uncontrollable pain when I awoke. I wasn’t sure where the pain was coming from but I knew it wasn’t medical.
A friendly smiley faced nurse approached my bed and took my temperature then jotted it down on a clipboard at the bottom of my bed.
“Are you alright dear, it’s nice to see you awake, do you need anything?”
“No, I’m fine thank you.”
I wasn’t fine obviously but it was just something I said. Maybe I was just going through the standard of things
“Well try and rest. You were quite restless last night. If there is anything you need just buzz”
‘Nurse, I said. Why am I here in this room alone?”
“You have private medical insurance”
Do I?” I must have. It was never something Todd believed in. He thought it was all a money making ploy aimed at taking money off the wealthiest in society. He used to scorn me for it
“Besides, after what you have been through we thought you would want to be alone.”
“Do you have family we can call?”
“I fell out with my parents when I met and married Todd. They did not think he was good enough for me so no” I said sadly.
“Oh, said the nurse. I’m sorry for asking. I was just thinking about next of kin”
“Todd was that” I said. The reality somewhat dawning on me
“But if you had a contact number for family. I’m sure I could call and try to persuade them to visit”.
“If they did come it wouldn’t be out of concern for me, it would just to say I told you so. Mum said to me that he would break my heart, now I suppose she would only call on me to gloat.”
‘Families can be funny folk at times love, but if you change your mind just let me know.”
“Thankyou I say but I’m fine on my own. I suppose I have to get use to that now and rebuilding my life, not to mention planning Todd’s funeral.”
“There is help for that we can offer when you’re ready. He’s not going anywhere and neither are you yet so don’t rush into these things; would you want to talk to someone we do have a hospital Chaplin? He called to see you a few times but you were always asleep and I thought it best you weren’t disturbed. He’s coming back this afternoon. I could ask him to call in if you would like.”
I didn’t want a hospital Chaplin. I didn’t want anyone to pray for my Todd’s soul. I knew it was I to blame for my husband’s death. I had to confess. I had to tell the police that it was me who killed Todd. I knew I shouldn’t be in here getting all the tea and sympathy. I was a killer. My actions killed my husband. That’s all there was to it.
“Hello dear. Someone is here to see you.”
Not the Chaplin please I thought as a young six-foot guy with the blondest hair and beautiful blue eyes stood towering above my bedside.
“Hello”, he said as I caught a Canadian twinge accent. “How are you.”
“I will go and get you some tea. I’m sure I can find some cakes from somewhere. Won’t be long”
“Hello, he said again. May I sit down?”
‘It’s a free country” I say
He ignored my manner and pulled up the old battered orange chair anyway
“So how are you? I mean are you coping alright? It can be difficult these first few days”
“I suppose you’re going to tell me to walk with the Lord and that time is a great healer. Well I’m sorry but I’m not into religion and I don’t need you or any of your Angel of mercies out there telling me otherwise. I mean you haven’t even got your dog collar on. Or are you one of those new age types.”
I regretted what I said later when he had made his excuses and left. Once again I was alone. I had felt somewhat warm and comforted whilst he was there at my side then the moment he left I felt cold again.
“What did you said to Jason he was quite upset when he went out of the ward? I don’t think you know who he is do you?”
“He’s the hospital chaplain. You did say he would be calling round’
“You have it all wrong. He’s certainly not our hospital Chaplin, which is just as well from hearing the words you were spitting out at him, he really was quite hurt.”
“Who is he nurse. Please tell me?”
“He’s your guardian Angel. He saved you. Brought you back from the afterlife. So he was telling me. He was the paramedic first on the scene of your accident. He helped bring you back when others thought you were gone”
“What have I done. Is he still around?
“I don’t know. I’m not sure if he will come back now. You know he’s suffered his share of loss too. But I feel it’s not my place to tell you about that. We all have our own personal reasons for entering this profession and Jason has his. You know when he first became a paramedic every nurse here in the hospital had him under their radar but he never was interested. Of course we all thought the sad truth he was of the other persuasion but when it became clear he was not it was all a great relief. It turned out he was off woman because, well it’s his story to tell not mine.”
It gave me time to think whilst the nurse was away trying to get Jason back. I only hoped she would succeed in her mission. There was much more I wanted to know about my six foot somewhat handsome looking Canadian, and above all I needed to apologize.
I dazed on and off as I waited for Jason to call. Maybe he didn’t want to speak to me. I could say I would blame him. I can be a bitch when I wanted to be. But to think he had not given up on me when everyone else around me that night had, must have been a lucky sign. I had to admit I wasn’t into the spiritual side of things and the idea that things happen for a reason and that maybe there was a reason why I had to live, but as Jason once again popped his head through the door with a somewhat smile on his face that made me feel the way that Todd never did, maybe someone was telling me something. Todd told me that I deserved better than he and that I would find it too. Maybe that was just it. Maybe Jason was willing to take over the night Todd left off.
“Is it alright to come in, he said, though I feel I should be waving a white flag?”
“Don’t be silly, if anyone should be waving a white flag it should be me. I’m so sorry for the other day. I had no idea who you actually were. I had no idea of the significance of the part you played in me being here. I meant being alive of course’
“Hey, he brushed off the compliment. It’s alright. It’s my job. I never give up on anyone who I come into contact with, “Especially the good looking ones, I’m sorry, I felt nervous saying that. I can’t imagine why”
it’s alright I tell him to make him relax. This was difficult for both of us. But we were just talking. He would most probably regret that comment in the morning
It was then that our eyes met properly for the first time and I felt something for him that I had never felt for Todd. Something real and different. I suddenly understand what my parents meant now when they warned me Todd was not my type and I could never be happy.
“Anyway, I begin again, thank you for everything. The nurses here explained you were one of the first on the scene of my accident.”
“What I can’t understand. You know I don’t even know your name?” he said
“Carrie, well Caroline but everyone calls me Carrie.”
“I’m Jason your lifesaver
Yes, I thought as the conversation progressed I thought that was just what I was thinking. Of course I would never forget Todd and maybe the accident happened in order to me to find Jason. I had a guardian angel in heaven, my Todd and I was lucky enough to have one on earth. Why did I suddenly have the song in my head that sang about heaven must be missing an angel, because you’re here with me right now. Maybe that would forever be known as our song. Every couple has one.
As he continued with his own story I got to find out that he had a reason to be a paramedic. He told me about his father and how he brought him back after a heart attack. His father survived for three weeks after that. It was precious time he and his family thought they would never have. In that time his father confessed his son would make a good doctor, but Jason wanted to be there in the immediate aftermath to be able to save a person at the scene of any accident before they reached the hospital. It was his father’s situation that had made him realize time was the most precious article the world or any one person can have.
So Carrie, shall we start again. I’m Jason, your lifesaver
From that day on, the day I will never forget, I knew Todd would always be watching over me. There was a reason why Todd died that night and it had nothing to do with any thoughts I might have had, Jason would make me realize that in the weeks and months to come as we became closer I knew I never wanted to be anywhere else but by Jason’s side. He said there is always a life worth saving. I was starting to think mine wasn’t worthy of that. Jason changed my perception of everything. Todd’s funeral was so much bearable with Jason around. He even called my parents and they came to Todd’s funeral, although not to gloat as I had predicted, they wanted to meet Jason and my relationship with them had been stronger since then. Jason also told me that Todd’s death was caused by a sudden undetected heart condition neither of us knew anything about. So not my fault. Although it’s early days, but with someone like Jason, I will get through these dark months. Jason was my savior that night. As for the accident, that was a turning point in my life completely. It was a night I will never forget, a night where I was about to give up but was saved. It was also the night were I lost my Todd but found my Jason.